Using Sorrow In My
Life As A Source of Strength
By Tammy Bellinger
just received your NATHHAN / CHASK magazine in the mail. I just wanted to write
you to say thank you for what you do. It was really wonderful to put a face with
your name. As I read the articles, I laughed, and I cried. I am truly feeling
God's pull telling me that we are heading in the right direction. What a
wonderful ministry to be involved in!
have always known that I would adopt and just wanted to
tell you about my journey, I feel like my story could help someone someday.
“Why would you want to do that right now…?”
I hear that a lot, as my son is only five months old and we want to adopt, and
had also offered to adopt a young lady's baby when I was eight months pregnant
with my son! Everyone told me I was insane, but I knew that God had a plan for
this baby. The baby's mother was almost 18, her name is Crystal.
She lived with her father and was taken advantage of by a so-called family
friend. The baby is biracial and Crystal's dad said that she could not stay with
him and keep the baby. I heard about Crystal through a teenage mom/neighbor that
I babysat for. Crystal, my husband and I talked on many occasions and Crystal
was sure that this is what she wanted. I guess her dad just planned to make her
leave the baby at the hospital for DHS to take. We offered a place for Crystal
to stay so she could keep her baby, but she refused to leave her dad, somehow
feeling like she owed it to him. She had a deep need for his approval because
she grew up without him and had recently been reunited. Crystal seemed distant
and I wasn't sure how she really felt, just that God kept telling me to be there
I received the call that Crystal was at the hospital and possibly in labor on
the eve of Christmas Eve. With much excitement I rushed to the hospital, my
husband did not go because Crystal was very private and made me leave the room
during the procedures. She had my neighbor's mom there for support and did quite
well being so young and alone.
After the Doctor broke her water, he discovered meconium staining and rushed her
back for a c-section. A few minutes later a beautiful baby boy was carried
through the door of the operating room and to the nursery.
As soon as he was checked out I got to go in and be with him. I welcomed him
into this world and prayed over him and I rubbed his sweet cheek, hands and
feet. Still unsure of his mother's decision, I whole-heartedly loved this little
My phone rang and it was Lori, Crystal's support friend saying that Crystal had
decided to name the baby. This was good news! His name would be Nicholas Allen,
so appropriate for being born on Christmas Eve!! I started thinking that she may
change her mind. I spoke with her several times and had brought in baby outfits
for her to pick out one for the newborn photo.
still planned for us to take the baby home. The time came for Crystal and the
baby to be released from the hospital. I came with car seat in tow, thinking at
any moment she
would change her mind. I loaded up baby Nicholas and his things and his mom
We went to our cars, her dad taking her, and me taking Nicholas. My heart tore
in two as rivers of tears streamed down Crystal’s sweet young face. I hugged her
as I wept, told her I loved her, and watched her drive away. I knew in my heart
that this is not what she really wanted.
I took Nicholas home, held him, loved him, got up every two hours with him. For
three days and three nights I prayed. Crystal came, she held little Nicholas in
her arms and wept, she cried and cried. I was at a loss for words. But God is
good and he was working in her life.
On that third day her dad had a change of heart. He could not continue to see
his daughter cry. I believe that God touched him.
Crystal came to take baby Nicholas home!!! I truly thought I would be sad, but I
was so filled with joy that baby Nicholas was going home to be with his mommy.
We had collected everything that she needed for the baby: diapers, diaper bag,
bed, car seat, swing, and anything else that she needed. She seemed overwhelmed
with our generosity.
I know she did not understand why someone would do this
for her. All I could tell her is that this was all from the Lord and we were
just doing what He had asked of us.
Crystal's dad’s heart melted and he became quickly attached to his new
grandbaby. Crystal proved to be the most wonderful mother I have ever seen,
reading books on babies and learning as much as she could, calling for advice
and most of all, holding, hugging, kissing and loving her little boy. I am so
proud of her!!
As for us, we feel great knowing we did the right thing and expected nothing out
of it. What we gained was more love in our hearts than we could imagine and also
a new godson, Nicholas Allen!!
HOW COULD WE ENDURE THIS???
Now…. if you don't mind, I would like to take you back a few years, back to
before I knew Jesus. I am telling you this because I feel like it is the sole
reason for wanting to help. Eleven years ago, I was not a Christian and I made a
horrible decision that would haunt me for the rest of my life. My oldest
daughter was two years old and I got involved in an abusive relationship with a
man who had two little girls.
I soon found out that he was not the kind man I thought he was and I was trapped
in a situation where I felt like I had to stay to protect his little girls from
him. At one point, he beat my little girl and I was scared. I didn't know what
to do. Everyone was telling me that if I called the police, they would take her
from me for leaving her with him (this was before I knew he was abusive). I also
felt I had to protect the other girls. Soon after, I found out I was pregnant.
I finally left after being half-choked to death, a choice in itself that was
horrible, as I left those other two girls there, as there was nothing I could
do. He said he would find me and take the baby. He had taken the other girls
from their mother.
I was scared. I told a cousin to tell him that I had had an abortion, I didn't
mean it, but I feel like a seed was planted and Satan was lurking around every
corner. Soon, some friends offered money for an abortion, and I started
considering it. I was alone and afraid. I had the same dream night after
terrible night...I dreamed of a tiny baby boy in a tiny blue casket. I felt if
the father got him, that he would kill him.
Before long the idea of an abortion started sounding like a good way out. I knew
it was wrong and I knew it was murder, but it seemed like I stepped out of the
person I was and became someone uncaring and unfeeling of the truth. Family
members who loved me tried to talk me out of it, but I don't think I heard or
cared what they said.
The girl who was supposed to give me the money was delayed, time went by, but my
decision did not change. She was waiting for money
from somewhere. By the time she got the money to me, I was very far along. My
baby was 27 weeks, he could have lived if he would have
I'll never forget any detail of that horrific day. The friend showed up, drove
me to a clinic in St. Louis where I was put in a group of seven women. I was not
the only one! These women were not monsters, just scared, and thinking this was
the way out. We had to wait for so many hours in the waiting room. This is so
the clinic can document this as "counseling time". I was brought back for an
ultrasound. I can't stop thinking that if she would have just showed me the
screen I would have walked out. But she didn't and I didn't.
Feeling as if I were in a dream, my baby's life was taken, in too many horrible
details to describe at this time. I do know he fought for his life. Why didn't
they tell me the truth. Why didn't someone stop
me? Even though I was not a Christian, I know this is not who I was.
Soon I came to the realization that the father of the baby did not take his
little life. I did.
Two years later, my daughter was born. I realize now that she was my replacement
child, but the last thing she did was replace my son. The pain and agony of what
I had done became a harsh horrible
reality. I had hit rock bottom.
This is when I was lifted up and I met my Lord and Savior, Jesus. I felt a love
in my heart where a black hole was. I wept with joy, pain, sorrow, and every
emotion that had been bottled up for two agonizing years. Did the memory of my
go away? No, it actually got worse. I heard my baby boy scream, saw him walk
into my room and ask me "Why didn't you want me, Mommy?" and many more painful
But now I had Jesus, my healing walk is not over, but God has brought me through
the pain to a place where I know He wants me to use my son, I have named him
Jimmy Exavior, to save others
To tell the truth, to let people know what Satan does not. That abortion is a
death sentence, not only for your baby, but for your life as well. The only hope
is the truth that Jesus offers and try to offer it to others before it is to
Another story: A few months ago, my cousin called in desperation, she was
weeping uncontrollably. Her step-daughter was going to abort her grand baby. She
thought I could help. I called Dana, I begged, I pleaded, I offered to adopt the
baby, I told her the truth, I told her what would happen, how she would feel. I
brought pamphlets, photos, and a video. And most of all I prayed. I received a
phone call weeks later. She did not change her mind. All my pain flooded back. I
could not sleep. I got up and felt God leading me to write this:
I am awake, I cannot sleep,
for this tiny one I do weep.
As these tears stream down my face,
I wonder how we could deserve His Grace.
When society decides that life is a choice,
Who will stand and give them a voice.
I begged and pleaded all in vain,
Now I'm not sure I can handle the pain.
Didn't they know how he would suffer,
He should have been safe inside of his mother.
My heart is pounding my stomach is sick,
Why did she think this would be over real quick?
His pain was terrible, it was real,
and his life they did steal.
It makes me so mad, its just not fair,
We already loved him as part of our family.
A cousin, sibling, and grandbaby,
I thought she would listen to me, just maybe.
Where were you God, did you hear our cries?
Why did she listen to all of those lies?
They say all things happen for a reason,
And these things only hurt for a season.
This is false I'll have to say,
It's been nine years since that day.
I was also hard to convince,
I've felt the pain ever since.
I feel like a failure, she ignored me.
I tried to tell her how her life would be.
After you've taken an innocent life,
Your soul feels severed with a very sharp knife.
You will not get over it you will not forget,
I cannot forgive myself, not now, not yet.
We wanted to hold him and kiss his sweet cheek,
but an easy escape his mom did seek.
For him now it is over and he is safe,
Sent to heaven through innocent Grace.
Jesus is crying for what they have done,
They had no right to murder His son.
The only comfort I have felt,
Is knowing heaven where he is held.
Fully restored he smiles again,
I imagine a giggle,
I imagine a grin,
How easily he forgives such a sin.
I will see them when Heaven I reach.
But for now I will try to teach.
Again and again I need to speak,
and try to protect those who are weak.
What do I do, what do I say?
In Jesus name I will I will pray.
Lord lift me up and make me strong,
Help me tell them why it is wrong.
Help them to hear the silent cry,
before another one has to die.
It's three am, I cannot sleep,
For this tiny one I do weep.
I do not know why she didn't change her mind,
but I do know that God uses all things for good and for His Glory.